1
00:00:04,607 --> 00:00:06,837
Vodko! Vodko, mate!

2
00:00:06,887 --> 00:00:09,765
Vodko! You all right, mate?

3
00:00:09,807 --> 00:00:12,799
I was going to give Pippa a ring later
about them light fittings.

4
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:16,442
I wouldn't bother Pippa now.
She's a bit... bit stressed. What's the problem?

5
00:00:16,487 --> 00:00:19,957
I just got that catalogue I promised her.
I'll get it after I've been in here.

6
00:00:20,007 --> 00:00:23,238
Bloody brilliant, this place, right?
Just opened, no appointment,

7
00:00:23,287 --> 00:00:27,200
you just turn up and queue. It's rammed
in there! It's like easyJet for prozzies!

8
00:00:27,247 --> 00:00:30,683
Bit like Maureen's,
except it's dirt cheap and there's no frills.

9
00:00:30,727 --> 00:00:32,524
Right. Well, I'll... What frills?

10
00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:35,877
At Maureen's they'll make you
a cup of tea, talk to you, give you a kiss.

11
00:00:35,927 --> 00:00:39,397
None of that in here, right?
And it's a tenner for everything.

12
00:00:39,447 --> 00:00:41,438
It's an undiscovered gem.

13
00:00:41,487 --> 00:00:46,766
I should write one of them consumer mags
for brothels. You could call it What Ho?

14
00:00:46,807 --> 00:00:48,798
Yes, yes, yes. That's very good.

15
00:00:48,847 --> 00:00:54,046
Well, if you could drop that catalogue off later,
I've got a bit of shopping to get on with.

16
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:59,161
Oh, sorry. I'm not... I'm not queuing to go in
there, if that's what you...

17
00:00:59,207 --> 00:01:01,846
I'm just talking to my builder, and...

18
00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:06,881
Just cos it say "massage parlour" doesn't mean
it's a knocking shop, you know, does it? No.

19
00:01:06,927 --> 00:01:11,398
Well, I've got a bit of sciatic pain myself,
actually, so I might go back later for a massage.

20
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:19,365
Pussy. You want cheap pussy?
Everything tenner.

21
00:01:19,407 --> 00:01:24,242
No, no, thank you. I'm off to the deli
to get some extra virgin olive oil.

22
00:01:24,287 --> 00:01:29,122
I've already got some, but I need
to get some that's infused with rosemary, so...

23
00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:31,158
So, no, no, I won't be needing any...

24
00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,046
Pussy.

25
00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:49,596
A brothel. Yes, a brothel on our very doorstep.

26
00:01:49,647 --> 00:01:51,638
Don't get me wrong, I'm no prude,

27
00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:55,919
and I've no quarrel with a traditional
neighbourhood knocking shop.

28
00:01:55,967 --> 00:02:01,485
It makes my blood boil, that such
a well-run establishment, if one even exists,

29
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:06,078
could have it's bottom end ripped out by
a gang of low-grade East Europeans.

30
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:10,678
I tell you, is Albanians!
Albanians are worst people in world.

31
00:02:10,727 --> 00:02:17,041
If Slovenian are dog, then Croat are pig,
Kosovar are rat, then Albanian are...

32
00:02:17,967 --> 00:02:22,518
I start too low with dog.
Ah! Even fat bitch is better than Albanian, huh?

33
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:26,958
Oh. Well, at least the Albanians
have got us bonding together.

34
00:02:27,007 --> 00:02:29,237
Yes, I'm sure they're all illegals.

35
00:02:30,607 --> 00:02:33,360
Excellent. Thank you for your time.

36
00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:38,285
Bloody Hitler and the IRA
couldn't close us down.

37
00:02:38,327 --> 00:02:42,115
Damned if I'm giving in to
a bunch of poxy Slavs. Oh, no offence, love.

38
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:46,285
Is not me.
I am proud daughter of Serbia, not Albanian.

39
00:02:46,327 --> 00:02:50,240
Hey, back in Serbia we have very funny joke
about Albanians. You know it?

40
00:02:50,287 --> 00:02:52,323
"Knock-knock." "Who's there?"

41
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:54,517
"Albanian." "Fuck off!"

42
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:56,558
You know it?

43
00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:02,241
- Hi, Hayley.
- Hello, Michael.

44
00:03:02,287 --> 00:03:04,278
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

45
00:03:04,327 --> 00:03:06,636
I just had a massive toad in the hole.

46
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:12,876
Right. Yes, that's where there's erm...
two fellas, one in one side and one up the...

47
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:14,838
No, it's like a sausage in batter.

48
00:03:15,807 --> 00:03:18,958
- You're thinking of a Big Fudge Sunday!
- That's not an ice cream?

49
00:03:19,007 --> 00:03:24,400
No, it's a special Maureen's doing on Sunday.
Big Fudge Sunday! Gonna need all my strength!

50
00:03:25,127 --> 00:03:27,118
Right.

51
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:31,558
- So, how are you, babe, are you all right?
- Yes, yes, not too bad.

52
00:03:31,607 --> 00:03:34,804
- Well, could be better.
- Oh, what's the matter?

53
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:37,566
Nothing, really.
Pippa and I had a bit of a row this morning.

54
00:03:37,607 --> 00:03:40,724
It's my fault, really.
She's been under a lot of pressure at work.

55
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:44,965
She's doing the conveyancing for
that new housing estate in Ainsley Park,

56
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:48,283
working all hours,
so muggins here can't do a thing right.

57
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:51,841
I... It's just... I feel we don't connect any more.

58
00:03:51,887 --> 00:03:54,526
It's like we're two strangers
living in the same house.

59
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,127
Oh, you haven't always been strangers.

60
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:59,556
Come on, tell me how you met.

61
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,802
There's a funny story attached to that.

62
00:04:01,847 --> 00:04:06,921
Back at uni, I was one half of this comedy
double act called the Incorrigible Brothers.

63
00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:09,606
We played every other Wednesday
at the Comedy Madhouse.

64
00:04:09,647 --> 00:04:13,720
Well, it was a corner of the Student Union, with
a bit of a sheet that said Comedy Madhouse.

65
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:20,286
We did these satirical songs. You'd think
we were going to swear, but we didn't.

66
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,238
So it was like, erm...

67
00:04:22,287 --> 00:04:25,279
# Your name is Douglas Hurd,
your policies are absurd

68
00:04:25,327 --> 00:04:28,319
# I'd really like a word,
cos you stink just like a...

69
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,720
# Tory politician #

70
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:35,561
Who's Douglas Hurd?

71
00:04:35,607 --> 00:04:38,804
He was the Foreign Secretary,
which is why it's so funny.

72
00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:40,838
- Yeah.
- I tell you what.

73
00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:44,323
The last verse really brought the house down.
It was about Lord Hunt.

74
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,278
Who's Lord Hunt?

75
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,682
I don't think there was one,
we needed the rhyme.

76
00:04:48,727 --> 00:04:50,718
So was Pippa like a groupie?

77
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:53,406
Well, sort of, yeah.
She came up to us after a gig, and...

78
00:04:53,447 --> 00:04:55,677
I remember the first thing she ever said to me.

79
00:04:55,727 --> 00:04:56,921
Aw...

80
00:04:56,967 --> 00:05:01,085
"That wasn't funny,
but I agree with several of the points."

81
00:05:01,127 --> 00:05:03,118
(Phone ringing)

82
00:05:04,607 --> 00:05:06,598
Hello, The Debonair.

83
00:05:06,647 --> 00:05:08,478
Yes, we've got a Yelena working here.

84
00:05:08,527 --> 00:05:10,518
You know what your wife needs?

85
00:05:11,927 --> 00:05:13,883
Mr Wuffles!

86
00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:18,000
- Sorry, who?
- Mr Wuffles. He's a dog in a cup. Look!

87
00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:24,161
- No, I'm sorry, I just don't see...
- Well, he's a dog, in a cup. Mr Wuffles!

88
00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:28,637
The pug in the mug that you've just got to hug.
Always cheers me up.

89
00:05:30,047 --> 00:05:32,117
They also do a bulldog in a tankard.

90
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:36,319
Erm, I'm not sure that Pippa would want
to drink out of any breed of dog.

91
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:39,358
But it's a nice idea.

92
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:46,406
It must have been amazing, being famous.
Are they still going, the Intolerable Brothers?

93
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:50,520
Incorrigible Brothers. No. No, I got stage fright.

94
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,400
You know that nightmare you have
when you're naked on stage?

95
00:05:53,447 --> 00:05:57,520
Yeah, It's a complete nightmare.
I only did it once.

96
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,762
I dropped the snake and didn't get paid.

97
00:06:01,727 --> 00:06:03,922
- You stupid bitch, Maureen!
- What's up with you?

98
00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:08,245
You grass on bastard Albanians to Immigration,
bastard Albanians grass on me!

99
00:06:08,287 --> 00:06:12,644
- I thought you had a visa.
- I have. When I was a tourist, four years ago.

100
00:06:12,687 --> 00:06:14,723
Aw. Does that mean you're leaving us?

101
00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:18,396
No, I tell them they cannot deport me.
I'm engaged to be married to English man.

102
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:21,723
Oh, wow! Who is he?
How did you meet? Has he got a nice car?

103
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:26,363
He does not exist. I have ten days
to find him before Immigration interview.

104
00:06:26,407 --> 00:06:28,398
That's so romantic.

105
00:06:28,447 --> 00:06:31,757
Where will I find a man
good enough for Yelena in England, hm?

106
00:06:31,807 --> 00:06:35,686
Never trust English pig.
I tell you a story about English.

107
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:40,596
I arrive in this country penniless. I go to club.
I meet innocent-looking English boy.

108
00:06:40,647 --> 00:06:46,517
He is rich, successful. Music loud, lights flash,
before you know, drink is spiked with Rohypnol.

109
00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:50,958
Bastard! He spot it and run away.
I'm still penniless.

110
00:06:51,007 --> 00:06:53,726
Hi, darling. How are you?

111
00:06:54,607 --> 00:06:58,600
- Ah-woo...
- What's that?

112
00:06:58,647 --> 00:07:02,845
Mr Wuffles.
I thought, you know, it might just, you know...

113
00:07:02,887 --> 00:07:06,038
- Mr what?
- Mr Wuffles.

114
00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,885
He's the pug in a mug you've just got to hug.

115
00:07:09,647 --> 00:07:12,320
Sorry, is this some kind of joke? I don't get it.

116
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:17,395
I tell you what, I'll put Mr Wuffles away,
somewhere where you'll never see him again.

117
00:07:17,447 --> 00:07:19,802
Michael, I'm sorry, I'm just so busy.

118
00:07:21,447 --> 00:07:25,281
- Well, that's me done for the day. I'll be off.
- Thanks, Barry. See you tomorrow.

119
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:27,761
Actually, Michael, as you're here,

120
00:07:27,807 --> 00:07:29,957
I've got something I want to tell you both.

121
00:07:30,007 --> 00:07:31,406
I'm getting married.

122
00:07:31,447 --> 00:07:35,440
Oh. Well, congratulations, Barry.

123
00:07:35,487 --> 00:07:40,038
Well, you've got to do it. A simple procedure,
just chop off your nuts and remove your wallet.

124
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:42,965
- (Barry laughs)
- Who's the lucky lady?

125
00:07:43,007 --> 00:07:46,124
Well, her name's Yelena.
Nice girl. Eastern European.

126
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:51,082
I've known her for quite a while. Actually,
Michael, I was wondering if you would...

127
00:07:51,127 --> 00:07:55,040
do me the honour of consenting
to be my best man.

128
00:07:55,087 --> 00:07:57,078
- What, me?
- Yes.

129
00:07:57,887 --> 00:08:04,122
Well, it's certainly a great honour to be asked.
It's not often one gets that sort of accolade.

130
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:10,242
What can I say, other than... no? I'm sorry,
but don't you have any friends you could ask?

131
00:08:10,287 --> 00:08:12,676
I don't really have any "real friends".

132
00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:14,957
- What about your band?
- They don't like me.

133
00:08:15,007 --> 00:08:17,760
- I suppose you could ask Joey to do it.
- Then why not ask Joey?

134
00:08:17,807 --> 00:08:21,766
- Sounds like an excellent best man, to me.
- More sort of "best cat".

135
00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:24,526
- Joey's your cat?
- Next door's cat.

136
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:28,560
Barry, of course Michael will be your best man.
He'd love to, wouldn't you, Michael?

137
00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:31,838
Really? Oh, that's brilliant. Thank you so much.

138
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,526
You'll come, Pippa?
It wouldn't be the same without you.

139
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:38,446
- Saturday week, at the Registry Office.
- I'd love to. Thank you, Barry.

140
00:08:38,487 --> 00:08:41,479
You have made my day.
I'm just going to get my tools.

141
00:08:42,327 --> 00:08:44,557
Thank you so...

142
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:48,281
- Why on earth did you say?
- Oh, for goodness' sake!

143
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:50,397
The poor man's obviously desperate.

144
00:08:51,007 --> 00:08:53,601
It'll only be for a couple of hours.
What's the big deal?

145
00:08:53,647 --> 00:08:56,207
I'm... I might have to give a speech.

146
00:08:57,447 --> 00:09:00,996
It'll be fine.
Plenty of best man's speeches aren't funny.

147
00:09:03,287 --> 00:09:06,597
So, you're marrying Yelena the prostitute?

148
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,923
I didn't want to say in front of Pippa.
It's for her to stay in the country.

149
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:12,720
Maureen talked me into it.
Mind you, it's a good deal for me.

150
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,723
I get a year's free Water Sports.

151
00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:16,405
- Water sports?
- Yeah.

152
00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:19,996
Plus Hard Sports, Extreme Sports,
and Red Water Rafting.

153
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,402
Hang on,
so Maureen's going to be at this wedding?

154
00:09:23,447 --> 00:09:26,405
- Oh, yeah.
- That's going to make things awkward for me.

155
00:09:26,447 --> 00:09:29,166
Say no more, mate, I see what you mean.
I tell you what I'll do,

156
00:09:29,207 --> 00:09:31,198
I'll sit her as far away from you as possible,

157
00:09:31,247 --> 00:09:35,684
and I'll put Pippa and you on a table,
with Hayley. Sorted!

158
00:09:35,727 --> 00:09:37,718
But I usually just say I'm a florist.

159
00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:42,079
Yes, but the thing is, Pippa saw your picture
on our computer a couple of months ago,

160
00:09:42,127 --> 00:09:44,277
and I told her that you worked for my firm.

161
00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:46,397
But she won't remember that, will she, babe?

162
00:09:46,447 --> 00:09:51,396
Well, she might, so our story needs to be
watertight, which brings us back to the fact pack.

163
00:09:51,447 --> 00:09:54,200
I'm just worried
I won't be able to remember it all in time.

164
00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:57,637
And that's why
it is all in bullet-point form in the crib cards.

165
00:09:57,687 --> 00:10:02,078
Well, I'll try for you, babe, of course I will,
but... Well, I do know how to behave.

166
00:10:02,127 --> 00:10:04,118
I know, but just quickly...

167
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:09,599
- Who do you work for?
- Temple-Kavening-Morris.

168
00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:12,844
- What's your position in the firm?
- I'm an assistant...

169
00:10:15,927 --> 00:10:17,997
Insurance advisor?

170
00:10:19,127 --> 00:10:22,722
How long should a client have
to cancel a peer protection insurance policy?

171
00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:25,361
- A month!
- No! It's 30 days!

172
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,841
God! Close, but it's just not right.

173
00:10:27,887 --> 00:10:31,118
We're never going to be able
to turn this round in time.

174
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:34,921
Maybe it's better if you didn't go
to the wedding. Couldn't you say you're ill?

175
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,844
Don't you want me there, babe?

176
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:39,447
It's just, it's Yelena's big day, and...

177
00:10:39,487 --> 00:10:43,799
I was looking forward to spending time
with all my friends. That means you.

178
00:10:43,847 --> 00:10:50,320
Seriously, Michael, I can keep a secret.
We do it all the time. Will you trust me?

179
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:53,996
Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I trust you.

180
00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,758
I can be such a fusspot.

181
00:10:56,807 --> 00:11:01,164
It's just that if Pippa found out about you,
then I'd never be able to see you again.

182
00:11:01,207 --> 00:11:04,358
- (Electric motor whirring)
- What's that noise?

183
00:11:04,407 --> 00:11:08,116
Oh, it's for Yelena.
I just picked something off the wedding list.

184
00:11:09,887 --> 00:11:15,120
OK, Mr Matthews, do you mind telling me
what sort of toothpaste your fiancée uses?

185
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:17,635
Same as me. It's white.

186
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,562
You! You! Fat man in bin!

187
00:11:23,687 --> 00:11:26,679
You marry me, now?
You be my big fat husband?

188
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,718
I am married.

189
00:11:31,527 --> 00:11:34,325
Why is it less repulsive ones
are always taken?

190
00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:37,598
Most evenings, what do you do about food?

191
00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:39,842
Yelena knocks up a cracking Serbian hotpot.

192
00:11:39,887 --> 00:11:42,685
What sort of films does your fiancée like?

193
00:11:42,727 --> 00:11:45,116
Can I just save you a bit of time, here, mate?

194
00:11:45,647 --> 00:11:48,605
Our relationship,
it's not really based around trivia.

195
00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:52,526
What Yelena and I have
is a powerful spiritual connection.

196
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:57,197
We spent the last two years
exploring the limits of sexual congress.

197
00:11:57,247 --> 00:12:01,081
I knew she was the girl for me when she said
she didn't mind me changing at Baker Street.

198
00:12:01,127 --> 00:12:04,324
- Sorry?
- You know, changing the pink for the brown.

199
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:07,723
- I'm sorry, I'm not following.
- Start on the pink, switch to the stink.

200
00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:10,042
- Out of the goo, into the...
- Yeah, I get it.

201
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,806
Oh, there's... There's a nice Zanussi.

202
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:21,043
Gosh, look at that.
Shall we buy a new washing machine?

203
00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:23,999
What, now?
The wedding's in ten minutes. Michael!

204
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,038
Michael!

205
00:12:27,407 --> 00:12:31,116
Well, we're here.
I don't know that I really want to go.

206
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,158
Michael, you're the best man.

207
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,442
Stop being pathetic. It's going to be fine.

208
00:12:36,487 --> 00:12:39,479
What do you care? It's not as if
you'll see these people again.

209
00:12:39,527 --> 00:12:42,519
Actually,
there's rather a funny coincidence there.

210
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:47,243
I forgot to mention it. You remember the girl
on the computer who works in my office?

211
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:51,680
- No.
- Well, it turns out, she's a friend of the bride.

212
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:54,525
Isn't that an extraordinary coincidence?

213
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:56,523
- No.
- Right.

214
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,035
Well, I just didn't want you to meet her

215
00:12:59,087 --> 00:13:03,603
and then spend all afternoon thinking,
"My God, who's that blast from the past?"

216
00:13:06,127 --> 00:13:08,118
Yay! Woo!

217
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:15,925
Wow, Maureen, you look lovely.
Very buxom.

218
00:13:15,967 --> 00:13:20,643
Well, to be honest, it's not all Maureen.
I got myself a pair of them chicken fillets.

219
00:13:20,687 --> 00:13:23,997
Maureen, you're not supposed to use
real chicken, it's just a nickname.

220
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:26,436
I thought they were beginning to smell a bit.

221
00:13:26,487 --> 00:13:30,799
Never mind, no harm done. I'll wok 'em up later
with a bit of black bean sauce.

222
00:13:30,847 --> 00:13:33,566
Congratulations, Barry.
I'm afraid we've got to dash.

223
00:13:33,607 --> 00:13:36,599
I was going to ask if
you could look after my mum at the reception.

224
00:13:36,647 --> 00:13:41,004
Oh, it's such a lovely day.
You must be a really good friend of my Barry's.

225
00:13:41,047 --> 00:13:44,119
Yes. We're... best friends.

226
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,123
Well, see you at the reception then.

227
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,283
- Where are we going?
- Maureen's!

228
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:05,396
(Loud rock music)

229
00:14:07,527 --> 00:14:09,722
Oh, here it is. That's belting. Cheers.

230
00:14:10,607 --> 00:14:12,598
Ah, Pippa. All right?

231
00:14:12,647 --> 00:14:15,115
Congratulations again, Barry. I'm thrilled.

232
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:19,558
Hello, I'm Michael Price. Please,
don't let my wife know you're a prostitute.

233
00:14:19,607 --> 00:14:23,486
Hello, Michael Price.
Please, don't let my wife know...

234
00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:25,518
This is my wife, Pippa.

235
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:29,401
Bon soir. Maureen.
I am the proprietrix of the house.

236
00:14:29,447 --> 00:14:33,042
Can I offer you some refreshments?
Amuse-bouche?

237
00:14:33,087 --> 00:14:35,078
Thank you.

238
00:14:35,647 --> 00:14:37,638
Mini pork pie, or Scotch egg?

239
00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:40,076
- Sorry, I'm vegetarian.
- Oh, no problem.

240
00:14:44,047 --> 00:14:46,038
- There we go.
- Thank you.

241
00:14:50,207 --> 00:14:53,722
I need to do something with this egg.
Do you know where the loo is?

242
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,804
Why on earth would I know?
It's not like I've ever been here before.

243
00:14:56,847 --> 00:15:01,204
- I thought you just went to the loo?
- Oh, yes. Yes, as it happens I did.

244
00:15:01,247 --> 00:15:04,125
- Up the stairs, first on the left.
- Right.

245
00:15:05,287 --> 00:15:09,405
Jesus, this is intolerable. I'm supposed to spend
the whole day looking after Barry's mum,

246
00:15:09,447 --> 00:15:13,406
- then what if Pippa talks to Hayley and...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.

247
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:16,564
You mean you don't want
your wife to meet your mistress?

248
00:15:16,607 --> 00:15:18,802
- I say mistress, but...
- Well, of course not!

249
00:15:18,847 --> 00:15:22,806
Come on, Michael, I'm joking. We know what
we're doing. It's part of the job and, I mean...

250
00:15:22,847 --> 00:15:24,803
Hayley can read a situation.

251
00:15:24,847 --> 00:15:28,396
- So, are you, like, from Serbia?
- No. I am Montenegro.

252
00:15:28,447 --> 00:15:32,759
Oh, hello, Monty, I'm Hayley. I'm white.

253
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:36,163
It's fine. I'll make sure that nothing happens.

254
00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:40,357
Michael, those mini pork pies look nice.

255
00:15:45,807 --> 00:15:47,798
I'm so pleased for him.

256
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:52,557
So, it's a choice between
research or one of the big drug companies.

257
00:15:52,607 --> 00:15:54,359
Well, good luck.

258
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:58,366
Sorry, I'm feeling a bit light-headed, I haven't
had much to eat. It all seems to be meat.

259
00:15:58,407 --> 00:16:01,558
Although Maureen did say something
about a big fudge sundae?

260
00:16:01,607 --> 00:16:06,078
Yeah, I'd give that a miss if I was you. Do you
know, there's probably something in the kitchen.

261
00:16:06,127 --> 00:16:11,076
He never had many girls when he was young.
I always remember one time,

262
00:16:11,127 --> 00:16:13,561
he brought this girl back from band practice.

263
00:16:13,607 --> 00:16:17,600
What was her name? Janice!
That was her name.

264
00:16:17,647 --> 00:16:22,198
Janice! Ha-ha! Brilliant! Great stuff!
Will you just excuse me, just one minute?

265
00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:26,198
Pippa!

266
00:16:31,007 --> 00:16:32,998
What?

267
00:16:33,047 --> 00:16:36,005
Don't eat the pork pies.
They've got meat in them.

268
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:39,756
I know. That's why they're called pork pies.

269
00:16:39,807 --> 00:16:43,800
Yes, but I thought you might lick the jelly,
which may look veggie, but it isn't.

270
00:16:43,847 --> 00:16:47,044
It's made of pigs' trotters and eyelids
and, you know...

271
00:16:47,087 --> 00:16:49,647
genitals, male and female, pigs' vulvas.

272
00:16:50,887 --> 00:16:52,923
But you're here with Kate.

273
00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:55,686
Yeah. Everything's fine, Michael.

274
00:16:55,727 --> 00:17:00,357
Right, well, I'd better to the wedding.
You know, best man and everything.

275
00:17:00,407 --> 00:17:05,401
I don't think Barry's mum
knows about the... about the aspic situation.

276
00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:09,522
- Hi.
- Mr Gurney. I've got a three o'clock.

277
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,558
- Come in.
- (Laughs)

278
00:17:13,447 --> 00:17:16,086
I'm so glad she's fallen for my Barry.

279
00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:20,118
She's a welcome addition
to our little Mathews family.

280
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:22,362
Er, terrific. That's... that's great.

281
00:17:22,407 --> 00:17:25,240
I'm just ashamed
Barry's dad's not here to see it.

282
00:17:25,287 --> 00:17:29,041
He died of cancer, you know.
Just like his brother.

283
00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:31,362
(Chuckles) Fantastic!

284
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,606
Excuse us. You've got a visitor.

285
00:17:36,287 --> 00:17:38,755
It's the wedding.
I just assumed we cancelled them.

286
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:41,765
I didn't stop for my wedding.
You know my motto,

287
00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:44,560
"If you're on the clock, you're on the cock."

288
00:17:44,607 --> 00:17:46,802
Do you know what?

289
00:17:46,847 --> 00:17:49,407
I... I don't mean to be rude,
but where are you going?

290
00:17:49,447 --> 00:17:51,677
I've just got to suck off this sad sack of shit.

291
00:17:51,727 --> 00:17:55,959
It's all right, he's here for the humiliation,
aren't you, pie shop? Shut it!

292
00:17:56,007 --> 00:18:00,444
Look, I'll pay you £200 an hour
to stay and talk to Pippa.

293
00:18:00,487 --> 00:18:01,920
Michael, I'm sorry.

294
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:09,677
- Hello, we almost met earlier on. I'm Pippa.
- Oh, I'm Hayley.

295
00:18:09,727 --> 00:18:11,206
<i>(# Thumping techno)</i>

296
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:15,286
This is supposed to be a wedding, not a funeral!
Come on, let's boogie.

297
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,156
<i>(# Los Lobos: La Bamba)</i>

298
00:18:23,207 --> 00:18:27,325
Oh, God, we used to do this one with
The Incorrigible Brothers. You know, buh, and...

299
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,358
# La, la, la, Lamont

300
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,523
# La, la, la, Lamont

301
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:37,641
# You messed it up,
the economy is out of whack #

302
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:41,282
Norman Lamont.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer.

303
00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,798
I don't get it.

304
00:18:44,007 --> 00:18:46,282
# La, la, la, Lamont #

305
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:52,476
It's getting on a bit.
Maybe we should hit the road.

306
00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:55,121
Michael, it's the middle of the afternoon.

307
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,078
Yeah, I... I just fancied an early night.

308
00:18:57,127 --> 00:19:02,997
Christ, this is the first drink I've had in three
weeks. Can't I relax? Why are you so boring?

309
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:05,478
Why are you so boring?

310
00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:08,087
- I need the toilet.
- Well, off you trot.

311
00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:11,164
But it's up the stairs.

312
00:19:11,207 --> 00:19:13,437
Well, haven't you had a bag fitted?

313
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,478
No.

314
00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:21,598
Can we hurry?

315
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:31,761
I wonder where they'll live?
Barry's flat's a bit small for a young couple.

316
00:19:31,807 --> 00:19:35,277
But if I dipped into my savings...
Well, they're not much.

317
00:19:35,327 --> 00:19:39,081
Maybe I could help them
rent somewhere a bit bigger.

318
00:19:39,927 --> 00:19:42,077
Well, it is a good time to rent.

319
00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:45,003
I just love champagne.

320
00:19:45,047 --> 00:19:47,038
- I'm on the vodka.
- Ooh!

321
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:51,282
- Could you pass me the tonic?
- Oh, why don't you try some Tango?

322
00:19:51,327 --> 00:19:54,046
It's really nice, makes it all orangey.

323
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,645
(Toilet flushing)

324
00:19:59,687 --> 00:20:01,996
Yeah, we just talk and talk for hours.

325
00:20:02,047 --> 00:20:05,119
- Well, you know Michael.
- What, my Michael?

326
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:08,762
Who knows,
in a few years maybe there'll be kids.

327
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:12,641
I haven't got many years left.
I've always wanted grandkids.

328
00:20:13,927 --> 00:20:17,397
- But there won't be any, will there?
- What do you mean?

329
00:20:17,447 --> 00:20:20,837
Well, Yelena's a fucking whore.
This is a brothel, isn't it?

330
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:24,004
- Oh, don't be silly.
- Well, she is, isn't she?

331
00:20:24,047 --> 00:20:27,039
I didn't want to believe it,
but it's pretty obvious.

332
00:20:43,727 --> 00:20:46,400
So, I finally met Hayley.

333
00:20:47,407 --> 00:20:51,525
- Right.
- She was asking me how my work had gone.

334
00:20:52,607 --> 00:20:56,759
- That housing estate on Ainsley Park.
- Was she?

335
00:20:56,807 --> 00:20:58,798
I never knew you talked about me.

336
00:21:00,247 --> 00:21:03,683
I never even knew you were listening
when I banged on about my work.

337
00:21:03,727 --> 00:21:06,002
- Well, I...
- Thank you.

338
00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:08,117
It's good to know you were listening.

339
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,598
How about that early night?

340
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:20,358
Sorry, I think I'm going to be sick!

341
00:21:24,647 --> 00:21:26,638
(Toilet flushing)

342
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:29,841
I haven't said goodbye to Barry and Yelena.

343
00:21:29,887 --> 00:21:33,596
Or Maureen. And Kate. She seemed nice.

344
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:37,644
In fact I was going to get her number. Kate!

345
00:21:37,687 --> 00:21:40,406
(Barry) Bloody hell! Chocks away!

346
00:21:40,447 --> 00:21:43,439
(Yelena) Don't kiss it, eat it!

347
00:21:43,487 --> 00:21:46,684
(Bed creaking rhythmically)

348
00:21:46,727 --> 00:21:49,525
- Barry?
- Honeymooners!

349
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:54,083
(Spits) Oi!
Get off them coats, you fat gut-bucket!

350
00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:56,436
Eat the fucking gravy!

351
00:21:56,487 --> 00:21:58,796
Eurgh...

352
00:21:58,847 --> 00:22:01,156
Ohh, gravy!