1 00:00:10,366 --> 00:00:13,676 Oh. Um... Terribly sorry. I should have wiped my feet. 2 00:00:13,726 --> 00:00:17,002 - I like it. - Keep Hoovering, you piece of shit! 3 00:00:25,206 --> 00:00:27,322 So, did I miss anything last night? 4 00:00:27,366 --> 00:00:29,800 No. Oh, I got cornered by Fat Janice. 5 00:00:29,846 --> 00:00:31,723 Does she still work at the clubhouse? 6 00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:34,519 She said there's a new house opening up on Montfort Square. 7 00:00:34,566 --> 00:00:37,205 Apparently it's gonna be really posh. 8 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,919 Oh. You know, I'd love to work somewhere dead posh, 9 00:00:39,966 --> 00:00:42,560 you know, black satin sheets, champagne. 10 00:00:42,606 --> 00:00:44,517 Doing loads of footballers. 11 00:00:44,566 --> 00:00:50,038 Imagine if someone really famous and good-looking walked in here, like Rio Ferdinand. 12 00:00:50,086 --> 00:00:53,476 And he took you out in his sports car, then to Chinawhites, 13 00:00:53,526 --> 00:00:55,482 then he took you to his mansion in Cheshire 14 00:00:55,526 --> 00:00:57,676 where he made love to you on the snooker table. 15 00:00:57,726 --> 00:01:00,194 Oh, it's a fairy tale. 16 00:01:00,246 --> 00:01:05,161 And get 100 grand for telling the News Of The World he's got a tiny cock. It's like Jane Austen. 17 00:01:05,206 --> 00:01:08,039 What, did she say that Rio Ferdinand had a tiny cock? 18 00:01:08,086 --> 00:01:10,998 That's a tiger shagging a dragon, right? 19 00:01:11,046 --> 00:01:13,082 That's a samurai on a fish 20 00:01:13,126 --> 00:01:16,482 and I'm getting another, right, and it's gonna start up here, 21 00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:18,596 go all the way down my crab's ladder 22 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:21,877 with an arrow saying "May contain nuts". 23 00:01:21,926 --> 00:01:25,555 - More like "May contain small parts". - Ah! Small parts! Do you get it? 24 00:01:25,606 --> 00:01:29,918 Yes, yes. Like the warning sign "May contain small parts that may choke children." 25 00:01:31,046 --> 00:01:32,604 Children? 26 00:01:34,486 --> 00:01:38,035 I bet the money would be good. Six months in a place like that, I could retire. 27 00:01:38,086 --> 00:01:40,520 Six months? You've got a couple of years left in you. 28 00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:44,718 Yeah, but I mean... What do you mean, a couple of years? 29 00:01:44,766 --> 00:01:47,724 At least. That could even mean three. 30 00:01:47,766 --> 00:01:50,803 Yeah, well, I'm only doing this to pay off my student loan. 31 00:01:50,846 --> 00:01:52,643 I thought you paid it off. 32 00:01:52,686 --> 00:01:57,157 I was going to but then I put a deposit on a flat, got a pension plan, 33 00:01:57,206 --> 00:01:59,436 and... Why? What have you spent the money on? 34 00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:01,556 I bought shoes. 35 00:02:01,606 --> 00:02:05,485 So, anyway. I'm booked to go to Putaya on my holidays this year. 36 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:10,441 Great beach, lovely people, and the number one knocking shop in Thailand. 37 00:02:10,486 --> 00:02:15,844 And get this. It's actually called Four Floors of Whores. I've got the address if you want it. 38 00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:16,921 No, thank you. 39 00:02:16,966 --> 00:02:20,163 I just think if they're hiring, maybe we should go and check it out. 40 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:23,960 I dunno. I'd feel really bad about letting Maureen down. 41 00:02:24,006 --> 00:02:26,440 She's been like a mother to me. 42 00:02:26,486 --> 00:02:30,081 Hey, you two. Stop gossiping. Your punters are here. 43 00:02:30,126 --> 00:02:33,163 You know me motto. Less gabble, more gobble. 44 00:02:36,526 --> 00:02:39,836 So where are you taking the baggage... sorry... wife this year? 45 00:02:39,886 --> 00:02:42,161 We're going to the Dordogne with a few friends. 46 00:02:42,206 --> 00:02:46,563 Ah, France. If you sneak away for a couple of hours, drive down to Marseilles. 47 00:02:46,606 --> 00:02:51,236 There's a little place down by the docks. Beautiful Mediterranean tarts. 48 00:02:51,286 --> 00:02:54,756 The locals call it the Charcuterie. 49 00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:58,196 - I've got a card here somewhere. - No, there's really no need. 50 00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:00,680 - Hayley's ready for you. - Good. Good. Thank you. 51 00:03:00,726 --> 00:03:03,604 Here. You go and slam in the lamb, mate. 52 00:03:03,646 --> 00:03:05,762 I'll have it ready for you when you get back. 53 00:03:08,966 --> 00:03:13,596 Just being here with you is such an escape for me, like taking a weekly holiday from life. 54 00:03:13,646 --> 00:03:16,558 That'd be nice, babe. Me and you on holiday somewhere. 55 00:03:16,606 --> 00:03:19,564 Oh, God, yes. The Greek islands, maybe. 56 00:03:19,606 --> 00:03:22,598 A little bay, sunny beach, deserted. 57 00:03:22,646 --> 00:03:25,763 Wind blowing in off the Med, caressing our faces. 58 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:29,116 - Have you ever been to the Greek islands? - Yeah. 59 00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,839 - Which one? - I don't know. I can't remember. 60 00:03:31,886 --> 00:03:34,081 I was E'd off me face. 61 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:37,243 Right. It's kind of a little fantasy of mine, actually. 62 00:03:37,286 --> 00:03:40,915 You know, the two of us upping sticks, moving to Cephalonia. 63 00:03:40,966 --> 00:03:43,321 Romantic cottage overlooking the sea 64 00:03:43,366 --> 00:03:47,279 with the tinkling of bells as a herd of goats graze on the cliffs. 65 00:03:47,326 --> 00:03:50,523 Goats? Can we have kittens? 66 00:03:50,566 --> 00:03:54,161 Yes, yes, of course. A romantic cottage overlooking the sea 67 00:03:54,206 --> 00:03:57,721 with a herd... of kittens. 68 00:03:57,766 --> 00:04:00,234 And we could make love all day, Michael. 69 00:04:00,286 --> 00:04:02,595 - Yes. Mm. Absolutely. - On the beach. 70 00:04:02,646 --> 00:04:05,080 Have you ever been totally naked on a beach? 71 00:04:05,126 --> 00:04:10,598 Oh, God. Yes, yes. Um... Oh, on holiday years ago in Barnstable. 72 00:04:10,646 --> 00:04:15,197 Me and Pippa were the only people in this little cove and it was rather hot, 73 00:04:15,246 --> 00:04:17,635 so I just stripped off. 74 00:04:17,686 --> 00:04:22,919 Well, I kept my sandals on because the sand was quite... quite hot, 75 00:04:22,966 --> 00:04:26,720 and I kept my socks on as well to prevent chaffing. 76 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:30,441 Not woollen. They were a light cotton mix to kind of help my feet breathe. 77 00:04:30,486 --> 00:04:33,637 Cos I get quite bad athlete's foot in hot weather 78 00:04:33,686 --> 00:04:37,964 when your toes start sweating and you get this sort of flaky skin 79 00:04:38,006 --> 00:04:40,440 and oozing fungus. 80 00:04:40,486 --> 00:04:43,319 - And that's your fantasy? - Yes. 81 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:46,722 - Yes. Well, without the fungus. - Oh, yeah. Without... 82 00:04:46,766 --> 00:04:48,757 (# Pop music on radio) 83 00:04:57,126 --> 00:04:59,959 Don't you ever wanna walk away and do something different? 84 00:05:00,006 --> 00:05:04,158 I mean, it must get a bit depressing hanging around all day with, well, prostitutes. 85 00:05:04,206 --> 00:05:08,324 - Michael, I am a prostitute. - You're not strictly a prostitute, are you? 86 00:05:08,366 --> 00:05:12,723 I mean, you're just a lovely young girl who happens to work in the field of prostitution. 87 00:05:12,766 --> 00:05:16,042 I mean, you could do anything you wanted. You know, what do you dream of? 88 00:05:16,086 --> 00:05:19,999 Well, I'd like to get out of here, you know? And get some proper training, 89 00:05:20,046 --> 00:05:24,597 and qualify to be a housemate on Big Brother. 90 00:05:24,646 --> 00:05:27,035 It's a really hard job. You've got to be talented. 91 00:05:27,086 --> 00:05:30,999 You need to be loud or annoying or transsexual. 92 00:05:31,046 --> 00:05:34,641 - Hayley, you could be all of those things. - Oh, really? 93 00:05:34,686 --> 00:05:36,916 There's a whole world out there waiting for you. 94 00:05:36,966 --> 00:05:39,605 - Kate was talking about getting out of here. - Really? 95 00:05:39,646 --> 00:05:42,843 There's a new place on Montfort Square. It's going to be dead posh. 96 00:05:42,886 --> 00:05:45,559 Montfort Square? That is upmarket. 97 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:50,236 Not just ordinary people like you go to working girls. Really successful people go as well. 98 00:05:50,286 --> 00:05:53,676 You say successful. I do work on the third floor. 99 00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:56,798 You know, proper important people. 100 00:05:56,846 --> 00:06:01,966 Well, I do have my own office. Well, I don't. I share it with Karen Medway 101 00:06:02,006 --> 00:06:04,156 but there's a partition down the middle. 102 00:06:04,206 --> 00:06:08,279 Well, yes, she asked for that, but it's effectively my own. 103 00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,238 I'm just saying I think this new place is gonna be well classy 104 00:06:11,286 --> 00:06:13,675 and Kate wants us to go and check it out. 105 00:06:13,726 --> 00:06:17,799 I mean, you're a clever bloke. You've always looked after me. What do you reckon? 106 00:06:17,846 --> 00:06:22,203 I think you are the most amazing young woman I've ever met. 107 00:06:22,246 --> 00:06:26,637 - I think there's no limit to your potential. - So I can get an extra 20 quid an hour? 108 00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:32,363 Yes. Spread your wings and you can become a slightly better-paid prostitute. 109 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,716 Why don't you go upstairs and see what Barry's doing with that shower head? 110 00:06:36,766 --> 00:06:38,279 I'm sure he's fine. 111 00:06:38,326 --> 00:06:41,363 He's probably in there trying to attach something he bought in B&Q. 112 00:06:41,406 --> 00:06:43,761 I don't see why we can't get someone else. 113 00:06:43,806 --> 00:06:47,116 Barry is reliable and perfectly competent if supervised 114 00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:49,680 so will you please go and supervise him? 115 00:06:52,726 --> 00:06:55,035 You all right, mate? How's tricks? 116 00:06:55,086 --> 00:06:58,203 Um... Good. So how's the shower head coming along? 117 00:06:58,246 --> 00:07:01,921 - Getting there, mate. You know. - Right, well, I'll tell Pippa. 118 00:07:01,966 --> 00:07:04,560 Yeah. This new place sounds all right, doesn't it? 119 00:07:04,606 --> 00:07:07,678 - I wouldn't know. - Hayley said you tried to get her over there. 120 00:07:07,726 --> 00:07:10,479 - Well, just sort of... You know. - Said you did her a favour. 121 00:07:10,526 --> 00:07:15,646 - She was really grateful. - Oh, was she? Did she say anything else nice? 122 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:18,564 Might have done. For the rest of the hour, she had her mouth full. 123 00:07:19,366 --> 00:07:21,357 What, you took her out for lunch? 124 00:07:21,406 --> 00:07:25,319 Sort of. She had a BLT. Barry's Love Truncheon. 125 00:07:25,366 --> 00:07:28,961 You mean, you paid Hayley money to have sex with her? 126 00:07:29,006 --> 00:07:31,156 Well, you know, mate. I like a bit of variety. 127 00:07:31,206 --> 00:07:34,403 I think she quite likes me. Says I'm her number one customer. 128 00:07:34,446 --> 00:07:38,200 Mind you, she says that to everyone. No, Hayley's all right once or twice a month 129 00:07:38,246 --> 00:07:40,840 if you don't mind 'em thick, which I don't. 130 00:07:40,886 --> 00:07:42,604 She witters on so much. 131 00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:45,797 It's all, "Hello, babe. How you doing, babe? How's your day been, babe?" 132 00:07:45,846 --> 00:07:48,963 Touchy feely. "Can I have a cuddle?" and all of that. 133 00:07:49,006 --> 00:07:51,725 I mean, all right. Fair enough. Turn over, shut your mouth, 134 00:07:51,766 --> 00:07:54,121 and let Barry get to work with his purple womb broom. 135 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:56,964 - You bastard. - Sorry, mate? 136 00:07:57,006 --> 00:08:00,794 - You big fat bastard. - Sorry, mate. You've lost me. 137 00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:03,155 Hayley's not some common prostitute 138 00:08:03,206 --> 00:08:05,276 that you can march in and give money to her 139 00:08:05,326 --> 00:08:07,920 to do whatever disgusting things it is you do to her. 140 00:08:08,006 --> 00:08:11,282 - Well, she sort of is. - She's a sweet, innocent girl. 141 00:08:11,326 --> 00:08:15,524 You're taking advantage of her. It's sick, it's wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself. 142 00:08:15,566 --> 00:08:20,276 - What is? - These tiles are... sick and wrong 143 00:08:20,326 --> 00:08:22,396 and you should be ashamed of yourself. 144 00:08:22,446 --> 00:08:26,234 - I never did these tiles. - Michael, you'll find you put those tiles in. 145 00:08:31,286 --> 00:08:34,403 There. I look like I'm going to an exam, don't I? 146 00:08:34,446 --> 00:08:36,880 And I look like I'm going to see my nan in hospital. 147 00:08:36,926 --> 00:08:39,315 So, I leave early today. I go to funeral. 148 00:08:41,806 --> 00:08:44,957 - Is it a clown's funeral? - Don't be disrespectful. 149 00:08:45,006 --> 00:08:47,361 Back in Serbia, funeral is often celebration. 150 00:08:47,406 --> 00:08:50,079 The priest say Mass, we kiss the icon of the Holy Virgin, 151 00:08:50,126 --> 00:08:52,924 bulldozer fill in the grave, and we celebrate. 152 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,480 - Have you had a tit lift? - It's none of your business. 153 00:08:55,526 --> 00:08:57,482 At least I don't need hipposuction. 154 00:08:57,526 --> 00:09:01,360 - Oh, you mean liposuction. - No, I make joke. Hipposuction. 155 00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:04,125 Suck fat out of big, fat hippo arse. 156 00:09:04,166 --> 00:09:06,122 Shut up or I'll kick you in the balls. 157 00:09:06,166 --> 00:09:11,763 Bloody hell. Look at you. Are you expecting footballers? 158 00:09:11,806 --> 00:09:14,274 - I'm going to see my gran in the hospital. - Funeral. 159 00:09:18,366 --> 00:09:21,438 Girls, you must think I'm one shake short of a shandy. 160 00:09:21,486 --> 00:09:23,875 I know the Goodwin's opening up on Montfort Square. 161 00:09:23,926 --> 00:09:26,360 And you're having your heads turned. Let me tell ya. 162 00:09:26,406 --> 00:09:28,636 You girls don't know you've got it made. 163 00:09:28,686 --> 00:09:32,884 When I were your age, I were bent over t'bins in t'back alley behind t'fish shop 164 00:09:32,926 --> 00:09:34,996 15 times a night. 165 00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:38,277 After a couple of years of that, I thought, "I should get paid for this." 166 00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:42,399 So I took those few pennies and I began to build me empire 167 00:09:42,446 --> 00:09:46,485 so that girls like you could have all the luxuries that I were denied. 168 00:09:46,526 --> 00:09:50,485 Red sauce, brown sauce, every colour. 169 00:09:50,526 --> 00:09:52,118 Maureen, I'm really sorry. 170 00:09:52,166 --> 00:09:55,681 Coffee? Oh, sorry. We've only got Nescafé. 171 00:09:55,726 --> 00:09:59,401 Maybe the duchess'd like me to go out and buy some Gold Blend. 172 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:06,117 Let me tell you. I've got plans for this place. Oh, yes. Big plans. 173 00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:10,159 I'm thinking of making it into a theme brothel, 174 00:10:10,206 --> 00:10:15,405 each room representing one of the four continents of the globe. 175 00:10:15,446 --> 00:10:17,914 There's seven continents. 176 00:10:17,966 --> 00:10:19,922 Yeah, well, we've only got four rooms. 177 00:10:19,966 --> 00:10:22,958 Imagine it. The Asian room. 178 00:10:23,006 --> 00:10:26,237 And after you shag, a free takeaway from Mr Wong's. 179 00:10:26,286 --> 00:10:29,244 Next door, the African room. 180 00:10:29,286 --> 00:10:31,846 Big picture of Tina Turner on t'wall. 181 00:10:31,886 --> 00:10:35,356 I'll get that Tracey across from t'massage parlour. She's black. 182 00:10:35,406 --> 00:10:37,476 Well, she reckons her dad was. 183 00:10:37,526 --> 00:10:39,596 She'll show me some loyalty. 184 00:10:39,646 --> 00:10:43,355 - (Doorbell) - Whereas you lot, you're all expendable. 185 00:10:43,406 --> 00:10:45,078 Ungrateful cows. 186 00:10:45,126 --> 00:10:47,242 It's not like we don't like it here. 187 00:10:47,286 --> 00:10:51,484 - We love you. It's just that... - Hayley? Andy's here for you. 188 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,677 What are you waiting for? He's a punter, in't he? 189 00:10:54,726 --> 00:10:58,435 Or are you going to get your butler to wank him off? 190 00:11:07,006 --> 00:11:09,839 I'm here to see Hayley. It's really rather important. 191 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:12,764 I don't think you've got an... Lick it! 192 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:16,560 - I don't think you've got an appointment. - I'm not a client. I just need to see her. 193 00:11:16,606 --> 00:11:18,642 Yeah, an appointment with Hayley is £120. 194 00:11:18,686 --> 00:11:21,598 It's not really an appointment. It's more of a friend thing. 195 00:11:21,646 --> 00:11:24,399 - Yeah, a friend thing is £120. - Yes, I take that on board, 196 00:11:24,446 --> 00:11:27,244 - but I just need to see her. - Hayley's busy all afternoon. 197 00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:29,356 Is there nothing I can do? 198 00:11:29,406 --> 00:11:32,125 You can hang around and wait for a no-show but it's unlikely. 199 00:11:32,166 --> 00:11:34,885 Well, that's OK. I've got a sudoku. 200 00:11:42,766 --> 00:11:44,757 (Doorbell) 201 00:11:59,726 --> 00:12:01,398 (Doorbell) 202 00:12:25,046 --> 00:12:27,765 Oh, er... No, I dropped my pencil. 203 00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:31,037 It looks like you got lucky. Hayley's five o'clock's running late. 204 00:12:35,326 --> 00:12:39,558 Michael. Wasn't expecting you today, babe. What a lovely surprise. 205 00:12:39,606 --> 00:12:41,517 - Aahh! - Is it? 206 00:12:41,566 --> 00:12:43,682 Yeah. Amy said you wanted to talk to me. 207 00:12:43,726 --> 00:12:45,921 It was nothing and I should probably just go. 208 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,877 Michael? 209 00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:51,077 Well... 210 00:12:51,126 --> 00:12:53,686 It's just I've been talking to Barry. You know Barry. 211 00:12:53,726 --> 00:12:55,921 Yeah. Bazza! 212 00:12:55,966 --> 00:13:01,404 Quite. And he was telling me how you and he had... had made love. 213 00:13:01,446 --> 00:13:05,121 And I suppose I'm getting rather silly over it. I can't get the image out of my head, 214 00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:06,724 sort of obsessing about it. 215 00:13:06,766 --> 00:13:09,200 It's all right. We filmed it once. I'll get the video. 216 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:12,761 No. Erm... No. Not in a good way. 217 00:13:12,806 --> 00:13:17,163 No, I found the whole... image of you and him together really disconcerting. 218 00:13:17,206 --> 00:13:20,084 I mean, you underneath that big... 219 00:13:20,126 --> 00:13:22,162 Maybe you're not underneath, I don't know. 220 00:13:22,206 --> 00:13:26,802 Maybe you're doing spoons or jiggling around on top of him doing... 221 00:13:26,846 --> 00:13:29,201 Basically, it's just none of my business, is it, 222 00:13:29,246 --> 00:13:34,081 even if he wants to turn you over and do... bottom sex. 223 00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:37,118 Oh, God. You and him gossip worse than girls. 224 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:40,795 But it's not just Barry, is it? I mean, it's all these... all these men. 225 00:13:40,846 --> 00:13:44,919 All those people I saw queuing up. But then... that's what you do, isn't it? 226 00:13:44,966 --> 00:13:48,515 You have sex with all these men. 227 00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:52,400 Not all of them. I had a lovely 16-year-old kid in here, cried for an hour. 228 00:13:52,446 --> 00:13:54,721 Plucking up the courage to tell his day he's gay. 229 00:13:54,766 --> 00:13:58,042 - Don't you want to be more discriminating? - Oh, no. 230 00:13:58,086 --> 00:14:01,715 No, no, that's wrong, discrimination. 231 00:14:01,766 --> 00:14:06,442 It don't matter if they're black, white, young, old... or even if they've just got one testicle. 232 00:14:06,486 --> 00:14:10,399 No, no, I meant discriminating in a more positive... Has Barry only got one testicle? 233 00:14:10,446 --> 00:14:14,280 Barry? No, Barry's got lovely balls. Yeah, they're like two big fresh peaches. 234 00:14:15,526 --> 00:14:19,155 Look. Would you... stop seeing Barry? 235 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:20,798 For me? 236 00:14:20,846 --> 00:14:25,124 I couldn't, darling. Well, he's a regular here, and it's my job. 237 00:14:25,166 --> 00:14:29,762 Well, what if you... What if you went somewhere else like this Goodwin place? 238 00:14:29,806 --> 00:14:32,274 Well, we have been talking about it. 239 00:14:32,326 --> 00:14:35,045 But Maureen got really upset. I don't know, babe. 240 00:14:35,086 --> 00:14:38,158 - Oh, stop calling me babe. - Why, babe? Don't you like it? 241 00:14:38,206 --> 00:14:40,959 Well, yes, but I know it's just part of the act. 242 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:44,282 It's what you say to Barry and every Tom, Dick and Harry. 243 00:14:44,326 --> 00:14:47,557 I don't say anything to Harry. Can't with a gag on. 244 00:14:47,606 --> 00:14:49,597 (# Reggae music plays) 245 00:14:49,646 --> 00:14:51,364 (Phone rings) 246 00:14:53,766 --> 00:14:57,395 All these little endearments. You know, honey, darling, babe. 247 00:14:57,446 --> 00:15:00,199 They're all fake, aren't they? You don't mean any of them. 248 00:15:00,246 --> 00:15:04,842 Which is fine. I mean, it's my fault. I was silly thinking there could be something between us 249 00:15:04,886 --> 00:15:07,241 when, like you say, it's your job. 250 00:15:07,286 --> 00:15:09,163 I'm just another job, aren't I? 251 00:15:09,206 --> 00:15:11,879 - No, I... - No, it's fine. I've been stupid. 252 00:15:11,926 --> 00:15:13,962 I expect you get this all the time. 253 00:15:14,006 --> 00:15:16,315 Men who are stupid enough to fall for the whole act 254 00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:19,961 and think they've found a soul mate when in fact you're just a prostitute. 255 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,282 - How do you mean? - Well, all those nice things you say to me. 256 00:15:23,326 --> 00:15:26,523 - You say them to everyone. - But you're the one I really do like. 257 00:15:26,566 --> 00:15:28,716 You say that to Barry as well. 258 00:15:28,766 --> 00:15:32,441 - I make it up for him. I mean it with you. - Oh, don't insult my intelligence. 259 00:15:32,486 --> 00:15:35,125 Michael, you're the only one who believes in me. 260 00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:37,521 You're the one who believes I could be a housemate. 261 00:15:37,566 --> 00:15:42,162 You're not going to be a housemate. There's no Greek island, no herd of kittens. 262 00:15:43,286 --> 00:15:45,436 Why are you being so horrible? 263 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:51,516 This is part of it as well, is it? I feel sorry for you and come back? Well, I don't think I should. 264 00:15:51,566 --> 00:15:56,196 I think I should go home to my life and you should get ready for your next punter. 265 00:16:10,446 --> 00:16:13,040 - Hayles, are you all right? - No, not really. 266 00:16:13,086 --> 00:16:14,678 What's the matter? Is it Michael? 267 00:16:14,726 --> 00:16:19,322 Yeah, and if he comes back, tell him I've gone somewhere else. I don't wanna see him again. 268 00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:26,045 Mary and Josh have hired a people carrier to take us from the airport to the villa. 269 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:29,635 For the rest of the two weeks, they think we should mainly go for walks. 270 00:16:29,686 --> 00:16:32,803 - Right. - Really looking forward to this holiday. 271 00:16:32,846 --> 00:16:35,519 Everybody's contributed something. 272 00:16:35,566 --> 00:16:40,959 Mary's bringing her oboe and Josh has spent a lot of time preparing one of his literary quizzes. 273 00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:43,804 - What are you going to contribute? - Oh. I don't know. 274 00:16:43,846 --> 00:16:46,963 I'd like you to come up with something more imaginative than usual 275 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:51,397 since your normal idea of fun is buying lots of food and wine. 276 00:16:51,446 --> 00:16:55,121 I was thinking next year, for a change, 277 00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:58,044 we could go to a Greek island, you know, maybe? 278 00:16:58,086 --> 00:17:01,317 You know very well Mary and Josh have already booked a villa in Tuscany. 279 00:17:01,366 --> 00:17:05,962 Yeah, but I was thinking about the tinkling of bells as a herd of goats graze on the cliffs. 280 00:17:06,006 --> 00:17:10,761 - A little romantic cottage. Just the two of us. - Where would Mary and Josh stay? 281 00:17:10,806 --> 00:17:14,321 - Oh, fuck Mary and Josh. - What is the matter with you? 282 00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:17,756 - Nothing. - You've been moping since you got home. 283 00:17:17,806 --> 00:17:20,798 I had a bit of an argument with someone at work. 284 00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:23,485 - Who? - Somebody new. No one you'd know. 285 00:17:23,526 --> 00:17:27,439 - What about? - Well, he was being indiscriminate 286 00:17:27,486 --> 00:17:31,115 with his clients. You know, he's taking on clients willy-nilly. 287 00:17:31,166 --> 00:17:35,125 And he wasn't really, you know, showing enough attention to his core clients. 288 00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:37,521 The ones who really love him. 289 00:17:38,526 --> 00:17:42,485 - Love him? - Financial love. It's a buzz word. 290 00:17:42,526 --> 00:17:46,439 Yeah. Anyway, I got a bit harsh. Said a few things I shouldn't have. 291 00:17:46,486 --> 00:17:49,364 He got a bit upset and started crying. 292 00:17:49,406 --> 00:17:51,283 You made someone at work cry? 293 00:17:51,326 --> 00:17:54,045 It can get very emotional in the financial services sector. 294 00:17:54,086 --> 00:17:56,759 Well, was it his fault? Your fault? 295 00:17:56,806 --> 00:18:02,881 Well, it was my fault, really. You know, I was acting a bit of a prat. Got on my high horse. 296 00:18:02,926 --> 00:18:05,918 Well, just apologise. Sort it out. 297 00:18:07,006 --> 00:18:10,442 Yes. Yes, you're right. I'll give him a call today. 298 00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:13,679 Oh... 299 00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:18,561 Hello. Yes, it's Michael Price here. I'd like to make an appointment to see Hayley, please. 300 00:18:20,526 --> 00:18:22,721 When? Where did she go? 301 00:18:22,766 --> 00:18:25,485 Does anyone know where she's gone? 302 00:18:25,526 --> 00:18:28,199 Would you have a mobile number I can... 303 00:18:29,206 --> 00:18:30,844 No, obviously. Um... 304 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,681 No, no. It's all right. Thank you. 305 00:18:34,726 --> 00:18:37,365 I think I have a vague idea where she might be. 306 00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:44,003 Oh, cheer up, Hayles. He was only a punter. 307 00:18:44,046 --> 00:18:46,321 Yeah, but he was so lovely. 308 00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:50,200 He had something about him, sort of wise like... Gandhi. 309 00:18:50,246 --> 00:18:51,599 Gandhi? 310 00:18:51,646 --> 00:18:54,240 You know, the big wizard with all the hobbits. 311 00:18:54,286 --> 00:18:56,277 I think he loves me. 312 00:18:56,326 --> 00:19:00,001 Aw. At least somebody does. I didn't even get into the Goodwin. 313 00:19:00,046 --> 00:19:03,880 All the way to Montfort Square dressed like a whore to be rejected over the entry phone. 314 00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:07,316 Oh, those entry phones are like all cameras. They make everyone look fat. 315 00:19:07,366 --> 00:19:10,881 - Who said I was fat? - No, I'm saying you're not fat. 316 00:19:10,926 --> 00:19:13,281 All I said was I couldn't even get through the door. 317 00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:15,920 Yeah, it was probably a really narrow door. 318 00:19:15,966 --> 00:19:20,005 Goodwin bastard Montfort Square bastards. Stuck-up bastards. 319 00:19:20,046 --> 00:19:24,562 I show them everything. Great tits, perfect arse, fantastic blow-job technique. 320 00:19:24,606 --> 00:19:28,804 I even show them how Slavic woman makes love on all fours like a crab. Nothing. 321 00:19:28,846 --> 00:19:32,964 - Yeah, well, they wouldn't even let me in. - Me neither. Bastards called police. 322 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:36,203 Whole van of police. Have to suck my way out of trouble. 323 00:19:36,246 --> 00:19:38,202 - Bastards. - Who? 324 00:19:38,246 --> 00:19:42,125 Up at the Goodwin with their poncey, stuck-up airs. Bastards. 325 00:19:42,166 --> 00:19:45,954 - What? - They offered me a job. How bloody dare they? 326 00:19:46,006 --> 00:19:49,043 - You're not gonna take it, are you? - Course I'm bloody not. 327 00:19:49,086 --> 00:19:52,965 It's a mature brothel for weirdos. It's all granny sex. 328 00:19:53,006 --> 00:19:58,160 And you have to be 60 to work there. Me 60? I'm 20-bloody-7. 329 00:19:58,206 --> 00:20:02,119 So, what, punters go there to have sex with grannies? 330 00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:04,396 Oh, ain't that sweet? 331 00:20:16,326 --> 00:20:21,161 Oh, hello. I was wondering if by any chance you had a Hayley working here? 332 00:20:21,206 --> 00:20:23,800 Of course we have a Hayley. Is it for an appointment now? 333 00:20:23,846 --> 00:20:26,360 Yes. I'm sorry. I should have booked ahead. 334 00:20:26,406 --> 00:20:30,240 That's absolutely fine. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll see if Hayley's available. 335 00:20:31,446 --> 00:20:32,845 Cup of tea? 336 00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:34,763 Oh, yes. Thank you. 337 00:20:43,606 --> 00:20:45,676 (# Gentle classical music plays) 338 00:20:53,646 --> 00:20:56,479 - You can go up now. - Gosh. (Stammers) 339 00:20:56,526 --> 00:20:59,996 If you'd just like to pop your clothes off, Hayley'll be along shortly. 340 00:21:23,486 --> 00:21:26,205 Hello, dearie. 341 00:21:26,246 --> 00:21:28,760 Um... Sorry, I think there's been a terrible mistake. 342 00:21:28,806 --> 00:21:31,559 - Never you mind, dearie. - No. I'm after Hayley. 343 00:21:31,606 --> 00:21:34,484 - That's right, love. I'm Hayley. - No, another Hayley. 344 00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:37,882 You can have as many Hayleys as you want, love. 345 00:21:37,926 --> 00:21:40,679 - You just wait there. - Um... 346 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:50,603 And where do you think you're going to, young man? 347 00:21:50,646 --> 00:21:54,958 There's one little boy here who hasn't eaten all his supper. 348 00:22:02,686 --> 00:22:05,803 Oh, Hayley, I'm so glad you stayed here. If you had any idea... 349 00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:10,078 It's all right, babe. Why don't you lie back and I'll give you one of my massages? 350 00:22:12,406 --> 00:22:14,966 Is that all white hair in between your teeth? 351 00:22:15,006 --> 00:22:18,203 (Running footsteps) 352 00:22:24,086 --> 00:22:28,364 Don't flush. I like it.