1 00:00:00,807 --> 00:00:02,684 (Moans) 2 00:00:02,727 --> 00:00:04,319 (Headboard banging) 3 00:00:09,007 --> 00:00:10,998 (French accent) What the hell is going on? 4 00:00:11,047 --> 00:00:14,596 What are you doing with that woman? How could you betray me? 5 00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,285 - Why French? - Sh. 6 00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:23,003 - What the bloody hell were you thinking of? - I just thought French, it's passionate, innit? 7 00:00:23,047 --> 00:00:27,325 Naomi, love. He wants to pretend to be caught red-handed by his wife. 8 00:00:27,367 --> 00:00:30,916 His wife's not French, she's from bloody Hastings. 9 00:00:31,927 --> 00:00:35,556 We're all performers, love, just try not to overact. 10 00:00:35,607 --> 00:00:37,598 - Sorry, Maureen. - (Phone rings) 11 00:00:42,007 --> 00:00:43,998 Hello. The Debonair. 12 00:00:44,047 --> 00:00:46,402 You'd like a girl for an immediate appointment? 13 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:51,646 Erm, yeah, that's fine. We have Maureen. She's dark and sultry with a great body. 14 00:00:51,687 --> 00:00:55,441 There's Katya. She's bubbly and cute and very obliging. 15 00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:59,719 Then there's Serena. She's vivacious, slightly fuller figure and long blonde hair. 16 00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:02,156 - Right. Serena it is, then. - I'll get me wig. 17 00:01:02,207 --> 00:01:04,198 What name shall I book the appointment under? 18 00:01:04,247 --> 00:01:06,920 Hello? Hello? 19 00:01:08,007 --> 00:01:10,282 Maureen. Time-waster. 20 00:01:10,327 --> 00:01:12,443 Bloody hell. 21 00:01:29,327 --> 00:01:33,286 It says here that Cassie Powney lost 121/2lb to get on Hollyoaks. 22 00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:36,358 I'm going to try that GI diet. 23 00:01:36,407 --> 00:01:38,398 We'll have brown rice, 24 00:01:38,447 --> 00:01:40,438 low-sugar cereal, plain yoghurt, 25 00:01:40,487 --> 00:01:43,399 - grapefruit, apple and tomato. - (Microwave pings) 26 00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:48,037 Oh, and it says that bananas have a high GI cos they're full of sugar. 27 00:01:48,087 --> 00:01:50,760 Then why don't they just make them without sugar? 28 00:01:50,807 --> 00:01:53,002 Use that stuff in Diet Coke instead, 29 00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:54,116 like... 30 00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:55,725 diet bananas. 31 00:01:55,767 --> 00:02:00,397 Hayley, if you just eat unripe bananas, the starch won't have converted into sugar yet. 32 00:02:00,447 --> 00:02:03,962 And if you eat ripe bananas, it won't matter because you have a 24-inch waist. 33 00:02:04,007 --> 00:02:06,123 Oh, Kate, you're so clever. 34 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:09,682 I wish I'd gone to university. I'd like to have studied beauty. 35 00:02:09,727 --> 00:02:12,195 You know, not to be just a normal beautician, 36 00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:14,807 but like a proper scientific... 37 00:02:14,847 --> 00:02:16,758 beautologist. 38 00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:21,801 Hayley, you do realise that Laboratoires Garnier isn't actually a university? 39 00:02:21,847 --> 00:02:23,678 Kate, your six o'clock's here. 40 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:26,195 Oh, shit. My stockings. 41 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,124 Has anyone seen my stockings? 42 00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,840 - I borrow them. - Well, give them back. 43 00:02:30,887 --> 00:02:32,286 Bin. 44 00:02:32,327 --> 00:02:33,362 What? 45 00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:36,160 I use them for cock-and-ball torture. 46 00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:38,675 You used my stockings for cock-and-ball torture? 47 00:02:38,727 --> 00:02:40,445 My stockings are La Perla. 48 00:02:40,487 --> 00:02:44,526 Do you know what? I don't care if they're made out of swans' pubes, don't nick my stuff, OK? 49 00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:47,206 Fuck you! I have right to be here. 50 00:02:47,247 --> 00:02:48,760 I have visa. 51 00:02:48,807 --> 00:02:51,002 'Ere, Yelena, look. This will be fun. 52 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:55,199 There's a poll here of what man you wouldn't mind sharing a Cadbury's Moment with. 53 00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:58,000 The top three - Orlando Bloom, Jude Law and Colin Farrell. 54 00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,639 Who'd yours be? 55 00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:02,645 Slobodan Milosevic, Radovan Karadzic, Arkan. 56 00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:04,405 These are men. Real men. 57 00:03:04,447 --> 00:03:06,165 Slavic men. 58 00:03:06,207 --> 00:03:08,198 And who do they play for? 59 00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:21,160 I just think that John Deed is the best thing Martin Shaw has ever done. 60 00:03:21,207 --> 00:03:23,198 I'm still a bit confused, though. 61 00:03:23,247 --> 00:03:27,286 Was it the lady from the chancellor's office putting pressure on Deed to adjourn the case, 62 00:03:27,327 --> 00:03:29,716 - or was... - What? 63 00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:34,682 Sorry, I wasn't really watching. Haven't really got time for silly mysteries these days, Michael. 64 00:03:34,727 --> 00:03:39,278 I mean, £82 a square metre for slate bathroom flooring. I thought you'd sorted this out. 65 00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:41,318 I'll speak to Barry in the morning. 66 00:03:44,727 --> 00:03:46,957 I was thinking... of... 67 00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:50,958 going upstairs. I wondered if you wanted to, er... 68 00:03:51,007 --> 00:03:52,565 What now? 69 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:55,121 Well, I, you know, it's, er... 70 00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:57,522 not quite lights-out time, 71 00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:00,081 I thought we could, you know. 72 00:04:00,127 --> 00:04:02,118 We could. 73 00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:04,044 Just let me finish this. 74 00:04:04,087 --> 00:04:07,443 I mean, £153 a square metre for a walnut worktop. 75 00:04:07,487 --> 00:04:10,001 Yes, I suppose it is a tad steep. 76 00:04:10,047 --> 00:04:12,277 - Michael, don't pull a face. - I'm not pulling... 77 00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:16,320 It's just a spur-of-the-moment-passion sort of thing. 78 00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:18,562 - At least a bit of fun. - Not this again. 79 00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:21,838 - Well, it just seems that other people... - Oh, other people. 80 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:26,597 Well, I'm sorry if our sex life isn't as exciting as it is for the correspondents to your porn mag. 81 00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,922 It wasn't a porn mag. 82 00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:31,003 It was Nuts. 83 00:04:31,047 --> 00:04:32,878 "Wasn't a porn mag." 84 00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:36,681 What about all those pictures of the high street honeys from Bournemouth? 85 00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:40,845 - Woking. It was three months ago. - Is that what you really want, Michael? 86 00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:44,038 Do you want to come home and find me sprawled across the kitchen table 87 00:04:44,087 --> 00:04:46,920 in skimpy little knickers from Marks and Spencer's? 88 00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:51,360 Look. The moment's passed. Let's just leave it, shall we? 89 00:04:51,407 --> 00:04:53,523 Can't the passion thing wait till the weekend? 90 00:04:54,567 --> 00:04:57,684 I suppose we could have a lie-in on Sunday. 91 00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,964 Mind you, it's quite nice to beat the queues at Homebase. 92 00:05:02,007 --> 00:05:03,998 Ooh. QI. 93 00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:05,685 (Phone rings) 94 00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:08,002 Hello. The Debonair. 95 00:05:08,047 --> 00:05:09,844 Hello, um... 96 00:05:09,887 --> 00:05:12,799 Yes, I don't know quite how one goes about this, 97 00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:16,886 so I'm sort of making a general inquiry as to the services that you offer. 98 00:05:16,927 --> 00:05:18,918 Well, I know the services you offer. 99 00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:22,642 Well, vaguely, I think I do. I've got no direct experience, 100 00:05:22,687 --> 00:05:25,326 but... I know the sort of thing you handle. 101 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:28,165 Well, I say handle, it may... may not involve hands. 102 00:05:28,207 --> 00:05:30,926 It might be lying down or... oral. 103 00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:34,721 Erm, but, er, I was just wondering if I were to come in, 104 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:39,397 then there may be someone there who might do something... 105 00:05:39,447 --> 00:05:41,438 to my... 106 00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:44,356 penis. 107 00:05:44,407 --> 00:05:46,875 No problem. When were you thinking of coming round? 108 00:05:46,927 --> 00:05:48,440 0h, I'm quite close by. 109 00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:50,478 Well, really very close by. 110 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,645 - Oh, hello. We spoke on the phone. - Come in. 111 00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:06,076 So... So do we go to a bedroom now? 112 00:06:06,127 --> 00:06:07,640 No, I'm the maid. 113 00:06:07,687 --> 00:06:08,915 Oh. 114 00:06:13,487 --> 00:06:17,002 It's your first time, isn't it? I think you need to see Maureen. 115 00:06:17,047 --> 00:06:18,878 Maureen. Right. Gosh. Yes. 116 00:06:18,927 --> 00:06:20,918 Do you want to take a seat in here? 117 00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:32,836 Bonsoir. 118 00:06:33,647 --> 00:06:36,081 I'm Maureen. 119 00:06:36,127 --> 00:06:37,446 Right. So... 120 00:06:37,487 --> 00:06:41,446 - Do we go to a... bedroom? - No, I'm the proprietress of the house. 121 00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:43,079 Right. Gosh. 122 00:06:43,127 --> 00:06:44,845 I thought you were, erm... 123 00:06:44,887 --> 00:06:46,366 one of the... 124 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:51,197 Which would be fine, I was just expecting someone a little less... senior. 125 00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:54,717 I can offer you three girls at the moment from my luxury brochure. 126 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:56,723 There's Yelena, she's 21, 127 00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:58,837 there's Hayley, she's 18, 128 00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:03,597 and for gentlemen who prefer a more demanding physical experience... 129 00:07:04,607 --> 00:07:07,280 there's me. I'm 27. 130 00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,919 Gosh. 131 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:10,878 Well, I don't mind, really. 132 00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:13,202 Whoever you think will be most appropriate. 133 00:07:13,247 --> 00:07:15,078 Out of Hayley and Yelena. 134 00:07:15,127 --> 00:07:16,924 I mean, do they offer the same... 135 00:07:16,967 --> 00:07:20,277 We can offer you a wide range of deluxe services. 136 00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:22,682 That's Hayley's price list. 137 00:07:24,207 --> 00:07:26,721 And this is what Yelena has to offer. 138 00:07:31,847 --> 00:07:33,644 Cor, bunnies. 139 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,757 Oh, um... I think I'll go with Hayley. 140 00:07:35,807 --> 00:07:37,923 Right. Would you like to come this way? 141 00:07:51,127 --> 00:07:52,526 Erm... 142 00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:55,445 - Hello. I'm Michael. - Hello, Michael, I'm Hayley. 143 00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,638 So have you come far today? 144 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:02,680 I expect you live locally, don't you? You've got a little place round here somewhere. 145 00:08:02,727 --> 00:08:06,720 Or perhaps you live with your parents. Not that I'm suggesting you're still at school. 146 00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:10,282 Oh, God, no, I'm not. You know, I'm not into anything like that. 147 00:08:10,327 --> 00:08:12,636 Lots of people live with their parents, you know, 148 00:08:12,687 --> 00:08:15,565 right up through their twenties and into their thirties. 149 00:08:15,607 --> 00:08:18,679 Not that I'm suggesting you're in your thirties either, 150 00:08:18,727 --> 00:08:22,003 unless you've had a lot of work done. Which you haven't. 151 00:08:22,047 --> 00:08:25,039 It's £60 for half an hour's personal services, Michael. 152 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,679 Paid in advance. 153 00:08:26,727 --> 00:08:28,558 Right, er, right, yes. Of course. 154 00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:32,043 And then if you'd like to slip your clothes off and lie face down on the bed. 155 00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:36,239 Yes, pay by the hour rather than, you know, pay by the... the, er... 156 00:08:36,287 --> 00:08:39,677 Because interestingly, in black cabs it's... it's both. 157 00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,639 Not that I've done this with a... with a cabby. 158 00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:48,796 That would, erm... It's a combination, isn't it? You know, of time taken and distance travelled. 159 00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:53,602 And... I think this is going to be more pleasurable for me than for you. 160 00:08:53,647 --> 00:08:56,559 - I haven't got the best figure in the world. - Don't be silly. 161 00:08:56,607 --> 00:08:58,802 Hey, it's better than most I get in here. 162 00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:03,125 - It's more Gerald Ford than Harrison Ford. - Who's Gerald Ford? 163 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:06,443 Oh, he was an accident-prone American president. 164 00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:09,684 - Oh. Who's Harrison Ford? - Who's Harrison Ford? 165 00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,922 Erm... Haven't got much of a tan either. 166 00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:15,755 My wife was looking at a paint chart the other day and said I was antique white. 167 00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,241 - So you're married, then? - Oh, yes. 168 00:09:18,287 --> 00:09:20,278 I shouldn't have mentioned that, should I? 169 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,841 That's all right, babe. What's she like? Is she nice? 170 00:09:22,887 --> 00:09:25,959 Pippa? Yeah, she's... wonderful, marvellous woman. 171 00:09:26,007 --> 00:09:29,443 Very, very, very clever and very punctual. 172 00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:32,957 Maybe she's just too busy to give you what you want in the bedroom. 173 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:36,966 Yes. In the bedroom she'd rather... rather curl up with Margaret Atwood. 174 00:09:37,007 --> 00:09:39,202 Is your wife a lesbian? 175 00:09:39,247 --> 00:09:41,158 No, Margaret Atwood's a novelist. 176 00:09:41,207 --> 00:09:43,277 Won't they let you watch? 177 00:09:43,327 --> 00:09:45,761 - Something like that. - Don't worry, sweetheart. 178 00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:48,685 I can tell you love your wife, you wouldn't be here if you didn't. 179 00:09:48,727 --> 00:09:51,605 I'm just gonna go give this to the maid. 180 00:10:00,247 --> 00:10:03,125 Don't bother making me a coffee, I've got a talker. 181 00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:14,355 All right, let's see what you've got under there, darling, shall we? 182 00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,796 Right. I'm just gonna pop these off for you. 183 00:10:16,847 --> 00:10:19,725 Could you just leave them on, possibly, possibly just for a bit? 184 00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:21,758 Oh. OK. Erm... 185 00:10:21,807 --> 00:10:24,799 Why don't I give you a little massage just to relax ya? 186 00:10:24,847 --> 00:10:26,519 Roll over. 187 00:10:30,967 --> 00:10:32,116 Ooh. 188 00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:34,601 Ooh, you are tense. 189 00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:37,241 You know, this feels like tantric stress to me. 190 00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:39,198 I saw that on Richard And Judy. 191 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:41,238 I think the tantric stress is higher up. 192 00:10:41,287 --> 00:10:44,996 Oh. Well, you know, this feels more than tantric. 193 00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:47,880 You need some major chillaxation. 194 00:10:47,927 --> 00:10:50,999 Well, I suppose I am a bit tense, you know. 195 00:10:51,047 --> 00:10:53,038 It's... it's work. 196 00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:56,636 I've got this client who wants to refinance. 197 00:10:56,687 --> 00:10:59,884 They're gonna move to bigger business premises. And... 198 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,680 Oh, God! I'm sorry, that's so boring. 199 00:11:02,727 --> 00:11:04,718 Oh, no, it sounds well clever. 200 00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:05,882 Really? 201 00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:07,042 Oh. 202 00:11:07,087 --> 00:11:10,363 Well, to cut a long story short, I've spent... 203 00:11:10,407 --> 00:11:15,401 I've spent two infuriating weeks trying to get another £130,000 out of the HSBC. 204 00:11:15,447 --> 00:11:17,438 Oh, what? Forgot your pin number? 205 00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:18,966 Well, sort of. 206 00:11:19,007 --> 00:11:20,838 Where should you leave work? 207 00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:23,765 - Erm... in the office. - Yeah. 208 00:11:23,807 --> 00:11:26,640 And where should you go for a swim every week? 209 00:11:27,927 --> 00:11:29,918 Buccaneers Leisure Centre? 210 00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:32,276 No. Lake Michael. 211 00:11:32,327 --> 00:11:34,318 And what's in Lake Michael? 212 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,363 Look, I'm sorry, you've completely lost me. 213 00:11:37,407 --> 00:11:39,523 - Lake Michael? - Not literally, silly. 214 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:41,762 You know, it's like a eulogy. 215 00:11:41,807 --> 00:11:43,798 What would be your perfect day? 216 00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:45,838 Er, well, I suppose a... 217 00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:52,121 pint of Ruddles, settling down with a few mates watching Wasps play rugby. 218 00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:53,759 Wasps playing? 219 00:11:53,807 --> 00:11:56,879 - No, no, it's the name of a team, not the... - Oh. 220 00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:11,277 So there are three of us in this field outside Perpignan just in our boxer shorts. 221 00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:14,478 And 20 miles away Lawrence Dallaglio's lifting the Heineken Cup. 222 00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:17,041 - We never even got to see the match. - (She laughs) 223 00:12:17,087 --> 00:12:19,078 Oh. Look at me. 224 00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:23,439 Talking about me for 20 minutes, I don't even know anything about you. 225 00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:25,796 What's... What's your idea of a good time? 226 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:31,916 Oh, well, I'd like to be lying back on black silk sheets and a big mirror on the ceiling, 227 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:34,640 and a man comes in and teases off my panties... 228 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,439 No, no, I mean in real life. 229 00:12:36,487 --> 00:12:39,604 (Laughs) Oh, I don't know. Never really get asked that. 230 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:42,836 I suppose I just want a man to look after me. 231 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,481 I'd love to settle down in a nice house in the country. 232 00:12:45,527 --> 00:12:47,324 Couple of kids. 233 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,437 He'd go to work, I'd put his supper on, 234 00:12:49,487 --> 00:12:51,796 he'd come home, put the kids to bed, 235 00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:53,758 and then go clubbing. 236 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,798 Gosh, Hayley's taking her time. 237 00:12:55,847 --> 00:12:58,919 Ha. I see him go up. I could finish him in three seconds. 238 00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:02,164 (Imitates gun cocking and firing) She is amateur. 239 00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:05,916 You know me motto, "Just wank it, then bank it." 240 00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:07,923 So are judges really allowed to do that? 241 00:13:07,967 --> 00:13:09,958 Well, Judge John Deed is. 242 00:13:10,007 --> 00:13:12,475 I just think finally it's a chance for Martin Shaw 243 00:13:12,527 --> 00:13:16,645 to combine his trademark rebellion with a really good dollop of gravitas. 244 00:13:16,687 --> 00:13:18,359 A maverick judge, it's such... 245 00:13:18,407 --> 00:13:21,524 Jesus Christ! Look at the time. I'm gonna miss my train. 246 00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:25,280 - I only paid you for half an hour. - Don't worry, darling. 247 00:13:25,327 --> 00:13:28,319 - Yeah, I know, but, you know, we never even... - Next time. 248 00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:31,522 Yeah. Next time. 249 00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:33,319 (Toilet flushes) 250 00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:36,124 Michael Price. 251 00:13:36,967 --> 00:13:39,117 You dirty bastard. 252 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:43,046 Michael Price. I didn't know you came here to park the pink bus, mate. 253 00:13:43,087 --> 00:13:44,884 I don't. I've never been here before. 254 00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:47,964 I've walked past, just a bit curious. I didn't do anything. 255 00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:53,127 I'd be very grateful if you just didn't mention this to Pippa because I don't think she'd... 256 00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:55,476 Like it if she knew you'd been on a minge binge? 257 00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:59,406 Your secret's safe with me. Rules of the club - what goes on in there, stays in there. 258 00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:01,642 Between you and me, sticky fingers? 259 00:14:01,687 --> 00:14:03,996 - No! No, we really did just chat. - Course you did. 260 00:14:04,047 --> 00:14:05,685 Bet you chatted her brains out. 261 00:14:05,727 --> 00:14:07,922 If we can keep this just between ourselves. 262 00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:12,040 The funny thing is, Pippa did ask me to call you about the bill for the walnut worktops. 263 00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:14,476 You ain't getting off the hook that easy. Who was it? 264 00:14:14,527 --> 00:14:16,722 - I am in a bit of a hurry. - Come on, let me guess. 265 00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:19,565 Now, then, it wasn't Yelena. I know, it was Hayley. 266 00:14:19,607 --> 00:14:21,279 - You're a Hayley man. - Yes. 267 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,682 - Maybe. - Wouldn't take long to chat her brains out. 268 00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:26,287 - Cracking shoulder boulders. - That's a bit unjust. 269 00:14:26,327 --> 00:14:29,478 - I like Maureen best myself. - I thought she was rather... Maureen? 270 00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:31,518 Maureen. The woman's a virtuoso. 271 00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:34,877 On the outside, I grant ya, Walsall World of Leathers, but on the inside... 272 00:14:34,927 --> 00:14:37,202 Chessington World of Adventures, mate. 273 00:14:37,247 --> 00:14:40,239 - I really must... - Listen, Michael, I'll tell you what I'll do. 274 00:14:40,287 --> 00:14:43,006 I'll phone me supplier tomorrow about your worktops, 275 00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:45,083 and I'll pop round Saturday morning, OK? 276 00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:48,039 Right. Please, as I say, if we can keep... 277 00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:52,399 Michael, I wouldn't say a word to your missus, if you put my bell-end in a balti. 278 00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:59,285 So let me get this right. 279 00:14:59,327 --> 00:15:02,205 You don't want the laminated walnut effect? 280 00:15:02,247 --> 00:15:04,715 No. I want a very specific walnut. 281 00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:08,282 The same one that our friends Mary and Josh have shipped in from Perugia. 282 00:15:08,327 --> 00:15:12,559 Right. Well, I'll have that for you tomorrow as long as in Perugia they've got a Jewson's. 283 00:15:13,607 --> 00:15:18,476 Pippa, I give you my word, I will not rest from my toils until I build for you a dream house. 284 00:15:18,527 --> 00:15:21,246 I'll pick up some catalogues and drop them round on Saturday 285 00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,039 if I don't see Michael during the week. 286 00:15:24,247 --> 00:15:26,477 You know, you said you might come down me jazz club. 287 00:15:27,607 --> 00:15:29,165 Yes. 288 00:15:29,207 --> 00:15:31,038 Yes, I did. I... 289 00:15:31,087 --> 00:15:34,636 And that's not a euphemism. It's a... it's a club where they play jazz. 290 00:15:34,687 --> 00:15:37,838 I know, the jazz club on Brook Street. I thought you didn't like jazz. 291 00:15:37,887 --> 00:15:40,924 Michael? He loves jazz. Don't you, Michael? 292 00:15:40,967 --> 00:15:42,685 Yes. 293 00:15:42,727 --> 00:15:45,366 Jazz is absolutely cool. 294 00:15:45,407 --> 00:15:49,082 But Michael likes Crowded House. I bought him a Crowded House tape for the car. 295 00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:51,595 I think you'll find he's trying to broaden his horizons. 296 00:15:51,647 --> 00:15:54,684 Michael's been listening to ragtime recently. Haven't you? 297 00:15:54,727 --> 00:15:55,921 Yes. 298 00:15:55,967 --> 00:15:58,117 And jive and... 299 00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,520 raP. 300 00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:03,355 Not just the music, the lifestyle... 301 00:16:03,407 --> 00:16:05,796 Er, bling and guns. 302 00:16:05,847 --> 00:16:07,678 - (Barry) Can I stop you there? - Yes, do. 303 00:16:07,727 --> 00:16:10,685 I was thinking about getting you lessons every week after work. 304 00:16:10,727 --> 00:16:13,446 - Oh, yeah, the... - Double bass. 305 00:16:13,487 --> 00:16:18,277 The double bass. I've always wanted to play the double bass. I've mentioned that. 306 00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:21,683 No, you haven't. But whatever, Michael, you don't need my permission. 307 00:16:21,727 --> 00:16:25,322 Now have we said everything we need to say about jazz? 308 00:16:27,047 --> 00:16:30,357 Right. Then can we please go and measure the work surfaces? 309 00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:36,397 No need to thank me, mate. 310 00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:40,085 You have got yourself a free pass. 311 00:16:40,927 --> 00:16:43,282 We've got to stick together, us brothel buddies. 312 00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:45,318 We are not brothel buddies. 313 00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:49,679 You and me? We're like the two whoresmen of the a-pussy-nypse. 314 00:16:52,007 --> 00:16:55,079 Just think you're a bit young to be having a midlife crisis, that's all. 315 00:16:55,127 --> 00:16:58,676 I mean, what are you going to do next? Get a tattoo, smoke drugs? 316 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,718 Buy an iPod? 317 00:17:02,007 --> 00:17:05,602 Look. If being in a jazz band makes you happy, that's fine. 318 00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:09,318 I just think there's... 319 00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:12,279 I don't know, something I'm not doing at the moment. 320 00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:14,318 I don't mean lying on a beach, 321 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,358 I mean inside, you know. 322 00:17:16,407 --> 00:17:19,604 I think maybe, erm, I'm suffering from... 323 00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,525 a lot of tantric stress. 324 00:17:22,567 --> 00:17:24,797 And perhaps I need... 325 00:17:24,847 --> 00:17:26,758 to chillax a bit more. 326 00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:31,124 You know, take a swim... 327 00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:32,885 in Lake Michael. 328 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,202 What the fuck are you talking about? 329 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,920 Erm, it was just something somebody said to me. 330 00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:45,243 You did better, love, much better. 331 00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:48,158 But you're supposed to be his wife. 332 00:17:48,207 --> 00:17:51,324 When he says "get out", you don't get out. 333 00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:54,996 You carry on screaming at him until he spills his mess. 334 00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:57,481 - All right? - Sorry, Maureen. 335 00:17:57,527 --> 00:17:59,483 (Phone rings) 336 00:17:59,527 --> 00:18:01,597 Oh, I like your basque, Maureen. 337 00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,844 When it comes to sexuality, love, a lot of it's what you don't see. 338 00:18:04,887 --> 00:18:08,118 Sexuality? Ha! Either you have it, or you're ugly. 339 00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:11,000 I was sexiest woman in Stremskikalovzi. 340 00:18:11,047 --> 00:18:13,083 And that was before ethnic cleansing. 341 00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:15,766 - So who's the lucky punter, then, Hayley? - Oh, Michael. 342 00:18:15,807 --> 00:18:17,798 Tall blonde bloke from last week. 343 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:21,362 Oh, the talker. Mr Hour-And-15-Minutes. 344 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,484 # I think you love him, you wanna marry him # 345 00:18:25,527 --> 00:18:28,837 - (Laughs) - Shut up. He's nice. And lovable. 346 00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:30,525 He's quite good-looking. 347 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,159 I'd do him for free! 348 00:18:32,207 --> 00:18:33,879 - Really? - No, you wouldn't. 349 00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:37,317 You know me motto, "No cash, no gash." 350 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,597 - You know, he's just a regular guy. - (Doorbell) 351 00:18:39,647 --> 00:18:43,162 I sense an inner sadness there. I just... I think I can help. 352 00:18:43,207 --> 00:18:45,038 Men are like cashpoint with cocks. 353 00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:47,965 I milk them and I buy beautiful things, huh? 354 00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:49,645 Hayley. 355 00:18:49,687 --> 00:18:51,882 Michael's here. Only... 356 00:18:51,927 --> 00:18:52,996 What? 357 00:18:53,047 --> 00:18:55,277 Well, he's got some weird shit with him. 358 00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:58,239 - Michael, Hayley's ready for you now. - (Doorbell) 359 00:19:04,207 --> 00:19:08,086 Are you all right, Michael, mate? Don't worry, love, I'll show meself up. 360 00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:10,595 I see. I get it. It's band practice. 361 00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:13,559 Mind you, it must have been a bugger to get that here on the train. 362 00:19:13,607 --> 00:19:15,598 You could have said clarinet. 363 00:19:16,607 --> 00:19:18,996 So you're here every Tuesday night? 364 00:19:19,047 --> 00:19:21,038 Every Tuesday night, Monday night, 365 00:19:21,087 --> 00:19:23,078 Wednesday night, Thursday night, 366 00:19:23,127 --> 00:19:25,561 Tuesday afternoon, Friday night, 367 00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:28,440 Saturday night, not Sunday night. Band practice. 368 00:19:28,487 --> 00:19:32,605 - You should come along now you've got that. - I'm at band practice. 369 00:19:32,647 --> 00:19:34,956 You know, I thought you'd be the musical type. 370 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,680 To be honest with you, Hayley, it's just a subterfuge. 371 00:19:37,727 --> 00:19:40,002 Oh, I thought it was a cello. 372 00:19:40,047 --> 00:19:44,325 No, I mean... I mean it's a ruse. I mean, just to get me here to see you again. 373 00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:46,403 The thing is, Hayley, 374 00:19:46,447 --> 00:19:50,599 when I... when I came here the other day, I came here for... 375 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,877 I'm not sure, actually, why I came here, 376 00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:55,043 but I found something, 377 00:19:55,087 --> 00:19:56,884 something I didn't expect. 378 00:19:56,927 --> 00:19:59,157 Course you did. 379 00:19:59,207 --> 00:20:00,720 What? 380 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:05,682 Well, I think... I think the thing is you started me on some sort of emotional journey, 381 00:20:05,727 --> 00:20:09,606 and I'm not sure where it's taking me or even if I... 382 00:20:10,607 --> 00:20:13,167 I'm not really doing very well at this, am I? 383 00:20:13,207 --> 00:20:15,926 I really don't know how to say this. 384 00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:17,161 Michael. 385 00:20:17,207 --> 00:20:19,596 It's me. Just say it. 386 00:20:20,847 --> 00:20:21,836 Well... 387 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,117 Well, what it boils down to... 388 00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:27,318 is that you, Hayley... 389 00:20:28,367 --> 00:20:31,165 seem... seem to me to be the sort of girl that... 390 00:20:32,487 --> 00:20:34,284 perhaps one day... 391 00:20:35,287 --> 00:20:37,278 over the course of time, 392 00:20:37,327 --> 00:20:40,717 possibly maybe one might... 393 00:20:40,767 --> 00:20:42,564 perhaps... 394 00:20:43,647 --> 00:20:45,160 fall in love with. 395 00:20:46,927 --> 00:20:50,317 You piece of shit! You stinking old piece of shit! Is that what you like? 396 00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:51,595 Fucking with whores? 397 00:20:51,647 --> 00:20:56,084 Is that all your marriage vows mean to you, catching diseases off this venereal old slut? 398 00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:59,961 - Naomi, you want Kate's room. - Shut it, you filthy little slag! 399 00:21:00,007 --> 00:21:03,044 And as for you - you, you sad little nothing - 400 00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:06,682 how dare you come here to force your sick perversions on this cheap slab of meat, 401 00:21:06,727 --> 00:21:10,197 without even giving a single thought for me, your loving wife! 402 00:21:10,247 --> 00:21:11,396 Pippa? 403 00:21:11,447 --> 00:21:14,644 Shut it, you worthless piece of scum! 404 00:21:20,207 --> 00:21:22,198 Yeah! That's right! 405 00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:26,479 Run! You sick shit. You whoring piece of shit. 406 00:21:26,527 --> 00:21:30,600 And if you think I'm going anywhere near that scabby little cock of yours ever again, 407 00:21:30,647 --> 00:21:33,445 then you're an even sicker pervert than I thought! 408 00:21:33,487 --> 00:21:35,443 (Cal' alal'm), 409 00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:40,323 Did he come? 410 00:21:41,527 --> 00:21:43,518 I've done it wrong again, haven't I? 411 00:21:48,647 --> 00:21:50,638 Go on, then. Play something. 412 00:21:52,887 --> 00:21:55,355 (Random twangy notes) 413 00:22:05,527 --> 00:22:07,518 Skiddly-bap-bap-boo!